Let me introduce my man Paul Kasprzak. This guy is a hoot! I laughed so hard reading this... and the best part is... The Rock Star Guitar Method really works! Talk about indian tricks...ta! ha! ha! ha! - Scott
I nearly forgot about this gem, “The Rock Star Club Guitar Method”. I found this file on my computer and nearly peed my pants from laughing so hard. I wrote this years ago when I was full of piss and vigor, before my delusions of rock stardom turned around and kicked me in the ! dick and sent me limping home with my tail between my legs. So in keeping with the cock sure attitude of yester year... I’ve decided to share the secrets of my genius with my legions of Paul Kasprzak wannabes. This is my gift to you. Take this dagger of wisdom and shove into the belly of the beast that is RocknRoll. You are the new mongols and I am your Ghingis Khan. Prepare to take this bitch back to the dark ages. We shall destroy Rock as it is known today and recreate it in my image. God speed young warriors! - Paul Kasprzak
The Rock Star Guitar Method
The definitive guide to money, chicks and power through guitar. by Paul Kasprzak -
Honesty, hard work, perseverance and good socials skills are all keys to unlock the door to a successful life. However, these qualities are a real pain in the ass to develop and maintain. Screw hard work and integrity! Take the easy way out! Sell your soul to the devil! that is RocknRoll and learn to play guitar.
Learning to play the guitar used to be a painful, tedious process that involved years of hard work and dedication - until now!!!! By focusing on the basics that most other guitar tutorials ignore - the chicks, the drugs ,the big money, the good times-The Rock Star Club guitar method will allow you to begin reaping the bounty of rocknroll in a few short lessons.
Introduction to Genius
The best way to begin your study of the guitar is to become familiar with the various scales, modes, and tonalities of musical notes, but this is all very boring and in my opinion a fan waste of time. Do you think that slutty metal chick at the jam night gives a fuck about the fact that you have spent years mastering the ionian and frigian mode? A solid understanding of musical fundamentals can unlock the doors to musical genius, but it sure as hell isn’t going to get you into that chicks pants. Let’s face it, isn '92t that what’s important? Rock is all cock and one liners and the more you have in your arsenal the easier it will be to annihilate your competition. God knows there’s a lot of it out there. There must be 10,000 bands here in the Chicago-land area alone and they pretty much all suck. You must convince yourself you are a million times better than those suck-asses before you learn to even play one note on the guitar. The first step to rising above the cess pool of mediocrity is having the winning attitude. Winners are better than everyone else. They dress cooler. They get more chicks. They make tons of money for hanging out with chicks and taking drugs. In order to succeed you must be sure you are a winner. Decide now!
If the answer is No, take your suck-ass self to the local music store and let them F you up the ass for a couple of years worth of music lessons.Then you can sit around your bedroom with your guitar buddies and write ou! t the tabulature to Limp biskit songs or whatever crap ass bands you losers listen to.
If the answer is Yes, say it out loud! I am a winner! I am an awesome guitar player! I rule! Even though you may not be able to play a single note yet, practice talking shit. It will become a very important skill in this cut throat world of rocknroll. Now turn the page and start learning to back up your shit.
The goal of this tutorial is to get you out of the bedroom and into the sleazy rocknroll lifestyle as soon as possible. We have already decided that you are by far better and smarter than the rest of the sucky guitar players using the Mel Bay method or some other dumb ass thing. Screw the basics! You are a winner and that entitles you to skip the pedestrian crap and move to the level of musical genius.
It took me years of wallowing in the crap to realize that genius is not perfecting the same crap everybody and his f’n brother is doing. It’s creating something totally new that gives the losers the impressi! on you’re doing something that is beyond their meager intellect. In these pages, I will bestow my Genius upon you so that you may go forth and conquer the world of RocknRoll in the name of the Supreme Genius, Paul Kasprzak!.
The Tuning of Genius
The first step is the tuning, meaning the frequency or note of the guitar strings. Most of the other shmoes are using the standard tuning (standard meaning the same as everyone else. You are better! You are a winner!). This tuning was invented by monks a million years ago, and in a million years I don’t think one of the poor bastards ever scored with a chick. So this tuning is no fun and basically sucks. The first tuning we will discuss is the Rock Star Club Tuning. The Rock Star Club Tuning was invented a few years ago by me, and I am pretty kick ass. I am a genius! I am a winner!
Staring from the top down (thick strings to t! hin) , the Rock Star Tuning is:
C#,G#,C#,G#,B,B (# stands for sharp - e.g.: C# is pronounced C sharp)
Don’t panic if you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about with this C# ,G# bullshit. It is only a reference point. It is only a name for the frequency the sting is resonating and we sure as hell aren’t going to talk in terms of frequency and shit because that nonsense is for nerds. We are winners! We are geniuses!
The first thing you need to get is a guitar tuner. This will allow you to tune the guitar the way I tell you. This is very important . The type of tuner you need to get is called a chromatic tuner. Sabine and Korg both make models that are chromatic tuners and you can get one that can take a lot of abuse and keep on keepin’ on for under $100. The name chromatic tuner means that it registers all notes including sharps (#) and flats (in other words it registers every musical note there is) .This is important because four of the strings in our tuning are sharp. Many guitar tuners I have seen only r! egister whole notes (abcdefg - which are great for standard tuning but will not work for Rock Star Club Tuning (which also may be refered to as “The Tuning of Genius” later in this tutorial)-so if you get one of these you will be shit out of luck and will not be able to participate in our genius games.
Rock Star Club Tuning (The Tuning of Genius)
(Skinniest) 1st B ---------
2nd B ---------
3rd G# -------
4th C# --------
5th G# --------
(Thickest) 6th C# --------
With the aid of your chromatic guitar tuner, tune your guitar as instructed above and get Sean Mcduna from the Metro on the phone because you are one lesson away from being a genius of the guitar and an icon of RocknRoll.
The Chords of Genius
I have neither the time nor patience to sit down and figure out the name the monk who invented standard tuning (remember standard = everyone else , we are better, we are winners, we are the future) would have given our “Chords of Genius”. Through a carefully structured system of defining chords based on mathematics and musical scales, he may have called one of our “Chords of Genius” some nonsensical name like C# minor 7th or G# suspended 4th. This is a tedious process that is far too boring and far too undeserving of our precious time. For we are geniuses, and we can not piss away our moments of genius on bull shit like mathematics and musical fundamentals. While we are busy determining what the hell a suspended 7th is, a moment of genius could be passing us by. So I have created names for our “Chords of Genius” that have the precise amount of Flash, Rock and of course that quality that makes us better than every other “musician” in this cess pool of mediocrity - Genius!! ar
The Moody Genius
(Skinniest) 1st B ------4 Translation: Tune guitar to “Tuning of Genius” as
2nd B ------4 shown (C#,G#,C#,G#,B,B). Bar the
3rd G#-----X 4th, 5th & 6th strings at the 3rd fret
4th C#-----3 with the index finger. Fret the 1st & 2nd
5th G#-----3 strings at the 4th fret with the ring finger.
(Thickest) 6th C#-----3 The 3rd string should be deadened with
the index finger and! should produce no sound.
For the sake of comparison, in the demonstration of the “Chords of Genius” I will use the third fret for the root of every chord, but this configuration can be moved to any position on the neck of the guitar.
“The Moody Genius” is the center piece of the Rock Star Club Sound and one of the most important “Chords of Genius”. Busting out the “Moody Genius” in your song tells the guys and their little “bands” you are far above their standard tuning mentality. The “Moody Genius” tells the ladies you are creative, powerful, and sensitive to a woman’s need. The “Moody Genius” is not unlike the Ark of the Covenant. When used properly the “Moody Genius” can unleash the powers of the universe and prompt fans, rock critics, and radio Djs alike to proclaim you as “fresh”, “innovative”, “exciting” and even ... yes of course.... “Genius” ! ! If the “Moody Genius” were to fall into the wrong hands and used in the name of “Art” (or even worse “Jazz Rock”) instead of personal gain (Big money, Critical Acclaim, Chicks, Drugs, etc....) unfortunate comparisons to Steely Dan, America, and even (in a horrible catastrophic instance) The Dave Matthews Band could ensue.
The Soul Brother
(Skinniest) 1st B ------3 Kickin’ it on the Master’s Tip: Bar the entire 3rd fret with
2nd B ------3 the index finger and fret the
3rd G#-----3 6th fret with the Pinky.
(Thickest) 6th C#-----3
This chord is “The Soul Brother”, the king of smooth, the smoot! h operator, the ladies man of the “Chords of Genius”. This chord speaks to the heart of a woman and says “baby it’s time to Par-Tay”. With out no doubt, a tag team of the “Soul Brother” and the “Moody Genius” will have the ladies “shakin that ass” all night long. Team the “Soul Brother” up with other “Chords of Genius” to create a “Posse of Genius” that will whoop ass on all y’all sucka ass N*@%*#** Rudy Ray Moore style.
The Doin’ It
(Skinniest) 1st B -----7
2nd B -----7 Advice from the Master: Bar the 4th, 5th and 6th strings
3rd G# ----7 with the index finger at the 3rd
4th C# -----3 fret. Bar the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd
5th G# -----3 ! strings at the 7th fret with the
(Thickest) 6th C# -----3 Pinky.
This chord is for the ladies. Using “The Doin’ It” as a set up for the “Moody Genius” creates a hip, indy rock, chick friendly sound that guarantees you will be “doin’ it” when you whip this chord out in a room full of ladies. Think of “The Doin’ It” as the glass of champagne and the “Moody Genius” as slippin’ the rufee into that glass of champagne. When you bet on the “Moody Genius”/”Doin’ It” combination, you are a winner every time.
Rock Star Club slugs it
out in the trenches of the music scene, surviving all hipster trends by creating
their own niche in Chicago music. Their debut cd, "America Needs Rock Star
Club," received high praise from local critics and was WXRT DJ Richard Milne's
pick as best album of 1997. Since then, Rock Star Club has released 4 albums on
their label GDR! Records.